In our generation, the idea of having a “jealous” and “possessive” boyfriend has become romanticized, with thousands of young girls around the world wanting a stereotypical controlling “man.” But what happens when the twisted fantasy around controlling men reveals itself to be a reality? What happens when young girls get mentally and physically abused? What happens after that?
The Oxford English Dictionary explains the term “femicide” to mean: “The killing of one or more females by one or more males, primarily motivated by hatred and unequal power relations between men and women”.
While the mere definition of the word is jarring, femicide is not uncommon. In fact, according to a report made by UN Women, “In 2023, around 51,100 women and girls worldwide were killed by their intimate partners or other family members (including fathers, mothers, uncles and brothers). This means that, on average, 140 women or girls are killed every day by someone in their own family.” Since this report was made, femicides have not disappeared. Rather, they have continued to rise on an international scale.
There are a disheartening number of cases and stories of young girls murdered at the hands of a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend that I could recount, but for now, I would like to cite only two.
Giulia Cecchettin was an Italian college student studying biomedical engineering at the University of Padua. She was 22 years old when she was murdered by her ex-boyfriend Filippo Turetta on the 11th of November 2023, a few months after having broken up with him in the summer. After murdering Giulia with over 70 stab wounds, Turetta left Giulia’s body wrapped in plastic at the bottom of a ditch, and disappeared. On the 3rd of December 2024, Filippo Turetta was convicted with a life sentence in prison. Since the finding of Giulia’s body, the Italian media has followed the case very closely, with releases of personal voice messages from Giulia describing her relationship with Turetta.
In these messages, Giulia described her anxieties and fears of setting boundaries after they had broken up. She claimed that she knew she sounded like “a broken record, repeating the same problem” but that she had reached a breaking point. She stated that she was scared of what he would do to himself if she had stopped answering him, or blocked him. She confided that what she was experiencing was “emotional blackmail” and that she felt as though if she explained to him that she did not want him to be in her life, he “would go crazy.”
The emotional blackmail Giulia Cecchettin experienced is not unique to her case and is typical in abusive relationships. Manipulating a person’s empathy as a way to ensure they never leave is the trademark of an abuser.
Again, Giulia Cecchettin was murdered at 22 years old.
Kayla Malecc is an American influencer, most famous for her TikTok content. On her youtube channel, Kayla posted two videos titled “he doesn’t love you.” In this two part video (each video is around 2 hours), Kayla recounts the details of her traumatic and abusive relationship with her ex-boyfriend. After watching almost 4 hours of Kayla’s testimony, I felt sick. Not only was I distraught by the physical abuse Kayla described, but I was heartbroken by the emotional abuse that she endured.
A quote that particularly stuck with me is: “If he can hit you, he could kill you, and he definitely doesn’t love you.”
Kayla Malecc is 20 years old.
Kayla is not a victim of femicide like Giulia Cecchettin. Kayla survived. But what do these two have in common? From what we know, Giulia’s relationship with Filippo Turetta was not necessarily physically abusive, but mentally manipulative and abusive. Whereas, Kayla Malecc’s relationship was both, with a particular emphasis on physical abuse.
However, the common ground between Giulia and Kayla’s stories aren’t the abuse both of them suffered, but the males that inflicted the suffering.
Kayla’s abuser carried the attitude of the classic toxic, jealous boyfriend. He would constantly accuse her of cheating with no evidence or reason to, he isolated her from every person in her life, and he introduced himself to all aspects of her life, allowing her zero privacy. Some may view these traits as normal or brush them off as insignificant when viewing the full extent of the abuse Kayla experienced. But they are not insignificant, and they are not to be ignored.
On the other hand, Giulia Cecchettin’s murderer would tell Giulia after their breakup that life was meaningless without her, that the only thing that kept him going was her, and that he would do everything he could to get her back. In the meanwhile, during their relationship, Turetta showed multiple signs of aggression and possessiveness towards Giulia. A specific example can be seen in a chain of messages he sent to Giulia following her non-responsiveness. Some texts included “I warned you”, “Never disappear like that again”, “I swear to you, the hatred I have for you in this moment is becoming infinite”, “If you don’t text me back soon, I’m never going to forget this”, “You’re the biggest b**ch I’ve ever met.”, “You can’t turn your phone off”, and a handful of other explicit and repetitive messages.
While different, both males mentally abused these girls in the same way: reducing their self worth, taking away their independence, wanting to control each aspect of these girls' lives, and their mental abuse led to violence.
After saying hateful and explicit words to Giulia, Turetta would claim life was meaningless without her. After beating Kayla up, her ex boyfriend would claim he loved her.
As a society, why are we letting these behaviors go undetected? Why are we not talking about the consequences of being in a toxic relationship? Why do we only talk about it when somebody dies? Why is the topic of femicide relevant only when a femicide occurs?
Every child knows the consequences of kidnapping. Every parent tells their children what “stranger danger” is. A parent does not wait for a tragic kidnapping on the news to instill this moral, so why do we wait to tell our children about the effects and signs of a toxic relationship only after a girl has died?
Seeing young girls want a toxic guy, a “bad boy”, a guy that is jealous and possessive, fills me with sadness and worry. I can’t comprehend why somebody would want someone that causes them harm. However, I have realized that the issue does not lie with women who stay in toxic relationships, because sometimes it is more complex than it seems. The issue lies with the people that support and allow for toxic behaviors to be romanticized.
Promoting, justifying, and uplifting “incel culture” and the ideals of a possessive man allows for the manipulation of younger generations. It allows for misogynistic hatred to diffuse, and it brings femicide.
Femicide doesn’t occur by itself, and it isn’t triggered by a singular event. Femicides occur because families, governments, and society itself is not educating males. Because we are not talking about it ENOUGH.
Giulia Cecchettin wrote in her diary 15 reasons why she broke up with Filippo Turetta, and Kayla Malecc revisited her trauma in 2 separate two hour long videos to make sure that young girls and women listening would leave while they still could.
These are only a few reasons out of Giulia’s 15. I feel as though it’s important to share because maybe one of her reasons will be somebody else’s last.
Some of Giulia’s reasons for leaving Turetta included:
It is of the utmost importance to listen to women’s stories, because in their voices we find the freedom and truth that was taken away from them by their toxic partners.
We only talk about femicide AFTER it occurs. It’s time to talk about it NOW, while we still have the time to prevent the next one.